sup panic/hellogoodbye/academy is/acceptance, in seven days?

im fucking so excited.

for the first time. since all this began, i really feel okay. and i dont feel like i need her in my arms to live anymore.
i have such a hard time letting things go, even if i know their for the best.
this is what i need right now. do i still love her? of course i do, shes my best friend. by far the greatest person i know, and the one person who i know is always gonna be there.
some of you may say, good, its about time you fucking move on. but let me tell you. what i experienced, and what i felt, it was almost like letting part of me go when it ended. but like shes still there to fill that void in that piece of my heart that was missing. shes the only person that can do that. and she doesnt need to do it as my girlfriend. just her being there, and her smiling and laughing with me, its really what makes me feel complete. when i met her. i was in a state where i felt like nobody, i felt like nobody gave a shit about me and she really picked me up and dusted me off and made me feel special, and worth something. and she still does that today, and im perfectly okay with this now. im not going to say that i wouldnt get back together with her and i dont have feelings for her, because i do, and i dont know if those will ever leave. and if she ever came up to me and said she wanted to get back together, i would do it. but i dont need it right now. and i know she doesnt need it right now. and you know, i regret nothing of it, if it picks up again sometime down the road, then it does and that would be awesome. but even if it doesnt, thats okay. it was honestly the greatest 5 months of my life, it sucks that i was still finding myself and that there were some complications at the end due to that. but, i really care about this girl. and i know, this breakup is best.im sorry if at all ive repeated myself or any of you have heard all this before. i guess if i had to summarize everything, it would be that im okay. and through the help of my friends, helped me get back up on my feet, and when id have breakdowns would be there for me, i honestly couldnt thank you enough. you guys mean the world to me. and i think the thing that helped me the most is, it wasnt akward with her, and the biggest thing is, your still here, i would get so worried she'd disappear from my life forever.but i know she isnt going anywhere. and im not going anywhere. i guess this is the first time ive really said this since our breakup, but, im happy. i really am. and i really love you alot. and just thank you. thank you for being my friend, thank you for loving me, and caring about me and letting me find out what love really is. your special, and your not like any other person ive ever met in my life. and i love you, more than anything. your the best freind i could ever ask for. :] thank you. for everything youve done and everything you continue to do.

im not deleting my lj, i need to vent somewhere so things like this weekend dont happen.


well, that was quite an interesting weekend.

friday, i want to apoligize to everyone for. i drank way to much and from what ive collected and what everyones told me, it got really bad. i was talking with nicole, and everything is worked out and we both came to the conclusion that, we both need this break right now, we both need time to recollect our thoughts and all that and im more than okay with that.

and another thing.

i was designated driving yesterday. and i dont want people to think im overly concerned about people or anything like that, but like i know what happened with me was bad. nicole, i know you were in good hands and can control yourself and didnt drink as much as me. but i just care about you you know, and i told you i always think in worst case scenario, so like i just wanted to make sure everything was cool. cause, your my best friend and i dont know what i would do if something bad happened. it would honestly eat me alive the rest of my life thinking, what could i have done to stop something like that from happeneing. i know you have a higher tolerance to drinking than i do, and can take care of yourself but iunno its just weird you know, and dont think i was just like that with you, i was like that with everbody. i wanted to make sure all my friends were okay and got home alright. because, nicole, if you, and annie, and all them werent there on friday and werent able to calm me down. something bad would have happened. yesterday, bits and pieces came back to me, and i remember throwing myself around, and punching the windows and slamming my entire body around and beating the shit out of myself. and that scared me. thank you for being there, and i guess i just took it as my responsibility to make sure everyone got home okay because i was your designated driver, even though i had to leave. thats why i was concerned, cause i care about all of you, and just get worried sometimes. but i know you use your best judgement. and i know your a smart girl and thats why i didnt call you or salina or anybody cause i knew youd be fine. and even if you werent able to take care of yourself i knew you were in good hands. i just, thought, if anything bad would have happened, i would have felt responsible for it by not being there you know?

thank you to everyone for this weekend, and i promise next weekend will be better. i love you guys, your all the best friends i could have asked for.

i love her :)
shes my best friend in the world.

Maybe we were made for each other
You can breathe but the air is running out
Maybe the world could look like this forever
Maybe we were made for each other

call me crazy, call me a sucker.
but i still know
its love (its love)

these cuts on my heart.
i know they'll heal and scar over
but i know your what stiches it up

She's blinded by the fear
Of life and death and everything in between
We smile when she cries a river of tears
A mirror we see nothing but a reflection of heaven so far away

i know you care and give a shit about me.

i always felt like you did when i felt nobody else did
im always going to, no matter how upset i get.

i just, get so nervous about things like this.

the worst fear i have is you disappearing from my life.

i think about my life without you in it, and i dont like it.

how could i go on without my favorite?

i know you care. and i care about you so much, and i get so scared and nervous that your just going to start hating me, or get sick of me.

:/ i love you too much and i dont know whatd id do if that happened. thats why im just trying to be everything you need me to be right now

be the guy whos there for you through anything. despite how bad i want to be with you.

i want to be the person you can always turn to. i really do. and im sorry.

tonight we got drinks, and a couple of friends.

okay seriously.

taking back sunday is becoming my favorite band ever. i fucking love them so much. their cd is the one im most looking forward to this year. honestly, since i turned to music, and writing music, and listening to it constantly. i really can turn to it through anything. it has helped me through all of this. if it weren't for the great friends i have and the fact i know you still care, id still be distraught over all of this. having nicole in my life is a blessing, she's really the best friend i could ever ask for, and all of my bolingbrook friends, rj, marty, annie, paul, mary ann, oliver, fregeau, melissa, everyone you all could not have been better friends throughout all of this. but i know im okay. i felt like i was losing her and thats what scared me the most. not the fact that it killed seeing her with someone else, not cause i didnt have her. cause i was scared she was gonna dissappear from my life. i would tell myself it was because she was with someone else, and i wanted her back as a girlfriend, and i wanted her for me and no other guy. but the fact of the matter is, i just want her in general. i want her to do what she needs to do to be happy, because i would rather see her happy with someone else than miserable with me. i really care about her, and really love her. shes my best friend. even when she was my girlfriend, she was my best friend. shes not like anybody ive ever met, and i really want her to do what she needs to be happy. and i dont want her to be scared for me, or worry that im miserable. sure, it still sucks, and im still upset about it. but im getting better. just the fact that she's still there, is enough for me. just that i know that everything is going to be okay and we can still talk and chill, and not let it be akward. i know she wants that, and its really what i want to. id rather her be just a really good friend of mine than nothing at all. i love her, and i want her to do what best fits her needs. and if someday again, that means we get back together, then that'll make me really happy. but im content with just being a good friend of hers. cause i really care about her, and really love her. and id rather her be anything in her life than nothing. and hopefully she's reading this because i want everything to go back to normal, and not have her think the only thing i want in this world is her as my girlfriend. i want to become one of her best friends again. and if your reading this nicole, i want you to know, that i love you, and that everything is okay, im fine. and if you need anything, im here. and its not gonna turn into me just begging for you to get back together with me, because if we do ever get back together than i want it to be because thats what you want. you know id love to be with you, but its not about me right now, this is about you and what you need to do for you, because youve done more than your fair share for me. and i really appreciate it. maybe tihs is best for me too, because im finding out that i really can deal with alot of my problems by myself. maybe i need some time to find who i am as well. im not going to ever say that our relationship was a mistake, i will never regret going out with you. i told you your the greatest thing that could ever happen to me before, and i still think that today. i want to do anything i can to help you in finding out what you want, even if it means us not being a couple anymore. thats okay. i can do that and just be a good friend through all of it, not just an exboyfriend who sits there crying and wanting you back. i know that wont help you, and it certainly wont help me get over it. this was probably best for both of us, as we both have alot of finding to do. i dont call you my favorite for nothing, you really are my favorite and you always are gonna be :] i love you, and everything about you. your really a great person and just thank you, for being you, and letting me really meet the greatest person in the world.

i want you to hang out with us today, because we all miss seeing you, we all havent hung out in a while. so hopefully you want to come with us, and whenever you need i can come pick you up :] thanks for reading all of that,and i really care about you. and everything is going to be okay.